just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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