I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
