If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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