what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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