I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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