somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
