The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
