Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
