and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
it was like eating out sand paper
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
