Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
