Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
