Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
