Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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