I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
that is very illegal...i love you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
