GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
