When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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