I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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