I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He kissed a someone with a penis
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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