Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
