in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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