I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
