how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
