the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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