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i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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