I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
