I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
