3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
