he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
