Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
