Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
