I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
