I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
