We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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