i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
