Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
