So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
