You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
