I'm gonna have a badass scar
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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