just come out here and I will go home with you...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
