I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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