K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Four minutes until I can fart!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
