Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
