its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We're too hungover to prance.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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