You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My feet surprised me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
