i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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