I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
