if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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