Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
