The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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