I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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