drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
